Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Mourning the loss of my Mother

When I think about the past there are a lot of holes. I have a lot of gaps and moments brushed off of my memory. I suppose I thought those moments unexciting, unmemorable, and unimportant. I didn't need to hold on to them or keep them close. I chose to dwell upon other thoughts and memories. I wish now that I could have chosen more carefully. I wish I could recall the small details of my relationship with my mother more clearly. That I could pluck from time the gentle hugs, and soft kisses upon my hair. I wish that I could grasp her hand again like I did as a child and walk with her, cuddle into her arm and listen to her laugh.If I had held those memories close I could once again experience those things whenever I wished. Instead I let the negative conquer my mind. I let sad thoughts steal from me my mother bit by bit, piece by piece. I regret that most of all. Out of all the things I regret in life I regret not holding on to the positive and happy experiences more.

As a young child my mother was the most important person in my world. I would die for her. I could not imagine her not existing, the very thought pushed me to sobbing. Now I have a daughter of my own. I would want her to grieve me and then live life happily. Not suffer everyday missing me. I KNOW my mom thought the same. She loved me and hated seeing me in pain. As I grieve some days have been difficult and others have moved along like the wind flying by quickly and smoothly. Today I remember holding her hand for the last time. Kissing her forehead. Rubbing my fingertips over her eyebrows smoothing them down. Running my hands through her hair like she always liked, when she could smile back at me when I did it. I remember the moment the nurses wheeled her out of the room, to bring her to the operating room to take from her gifts for other patients. To take her organs to give life to others. I can still hear the wheels turning on the floor, creaking and rattling away. That was my last moment with my mother...

Today I grieve and cry for her like I did three months ago, like I will a year from now, and every year after.

I love you Marmie.

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